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    Dark Souls Remastered On PC Already Falling Victim To Infamous Hackers

    GameInformer
    By GameInformer,

    DarkSouls.jpg

    Dark Souls Remastered released slightly early on Steam last night, letting preorders or new buyers go ahead and start playing the newly updated and remastered version of FROM Software's action-adventure game. Just as quickly, however, cheaters entered the game to troll other users and this time there may not be as many options to protect yourself.

    Once a player escapes from the Undead Asylum and ventures into Lordran, they can start using humanity to call other players for help, with the trade off of allowing human invaders to enter your game. In a normal game, losing an invasion to a human opponent meant a loss of progress or, at worst, a loss of souls. With users like infamous Dark Souls hacker Malcolm Reynolds, however, players have much more to lose.

    Reynolds, who is purportedly going by a pseudonym named after the Firefly protagonist, is likely well known to anyone in the Souls community or watches Souls streams. He claimed that, through modifying code, he could invade players in Dark Souls III and hit them with a weapon that would get them banned from the game's PVP content. As soon as Dark Souls Remastered went live, so did Reynolds on his Twitch channel.

    Using the code modifications he boasts about, Reynolds made it so he can invade early game players and inflict status ailments like Curse and Egghead. In Dark Souls, Curse kills your character and then halves your HP until you can get it healed from a NPC in New Londo, which most new players won't know anything about. Egghead implants a parasitic egg into the player's head, which prevents the player from wearing helmets and has a tapeworm-like quality of stealing half the player's souls. Both ailments can massively harm a player's early game and aren't really meant to be introduced or cured until later in the game.

    Reynolds would joke during his stream that players were better off starting over, effectively making his attacks progression blockers.

    This isn't new to Dark Souls Remastered specifically, but the community has tried to find ways to work around it. In Demon's Souls, a weapon called the Scraping Spear would destroy armor and was a favorite of trollish invaders, so the community developed strategies to avoid it, the most popular being just killing yourself in the game and hoping it did not ruin your world tendency too bad. For the original PC version of Dark Souls, a mod called PVP Watchdog that would warn players if they were playing against a hacking player, giving people the opportunity to just hurl themselves off a ledge and not deal with it.

    Unfortunately, PVP Watchdog does not work on Dark Souls Remastered and the creators have no intention of updating it to work. In a post on reddit, the program's creator eur0pa explained why Watchdog won't be returning to the Remastered game.

    "It's been 6 years since Dark Souls came out, there have been 4 games on different engines, all of them sharing the same flaws, plagued with the same amount of cheaters and script kiddies, and all of them pulling off the same destructive actions: it's time FromSoft fixed their own games without relying on the efforts of the community," eur0pa explained. "Besides, the presence of their in-house 'anti-tampering' solution has proven, over the years, how any third-party approach only nets innocent players softbans and troubles. Any tool I could come up with would only get you flagged."

    That means players who have something designed to tell them if someone is cheating get picked as cheaters by the game's ambling but heavy-handed anti-cheating process. It does also pick up actual cheaters, but like Reynolds, most can either work around it or don't care.

     

    Our Take
    It's a shame that this is already happening, but eur0pa isn't wrong that FROM Software has been making these online portions for a decade now and still haven't found a solution to cheating. On the plus side, Dark Souls really doesn't have a reason to go human unless you need to summon help, but it really sucks for those that do.

    View the full article


    New Gameplay Today – Dauntless

    GameInformer
    By GameInformer,

    dauntless_2D00_610.jpg

    Dauntless is now in open beta, which means that you can check out the free-to-play monster-hunting game at this very moment! If you're not sure you're ready to commit the hard-drive space to Phoenix Labs' game, don't worry! Dan Tack walks Leo and I through the game's basics, and you can make up your own mind from there.

    Tack doesn't swat me out of my chair for saying it looks a lot like World of Warcraft meets Monster Hunter, so I might be onto something there. Basically, you and a small group of players meet up, kill some monsters, and craft new gear from their corpses. Unlike Capcom's series, this one's a free download – though you can spend your brains out on cosmetic microtransactions. Check it out, okay?!

    (Please visit the site to view this media)

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    Battle for Azeroth Beta - Build 26707

    Curse
    By Curse,
    Battle for Azeroth Beta - Build 26707
    A new build is on the way!

    FM01.jpg FZ01.jpg FZ02.jpg


    New Loading Screens

    loadingscreenkultiras.jpg loadingscreenzandalar.jpg loadscreenislandexpeditions.jpg loadscreenkultirastiragardewide.jpg


    New Icons

    icon-inv_horse3_black.jpg icon-inv_horse3_brown.jpg icon-inv_horse3_chestnut.jpg icon-inv_horse3_donkey.jpg icon-inv_horse3_evil.jpg icon-inv_horse3_palamino.jpg icon-inv_horse3_pale.jpg icon-inv_horse3_piebald.jpg icon-inv_horse3_pinto.jpg icon-inv_horse3_white.jpg icon-inv_horse3_zebra.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_black.jpg
    icon-inv_horse3saddle001_brown.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_chestnut.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_donkey.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_evil.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_palamino.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_pale.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_piebald.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_pinto.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_white.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle001_zebra.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_black.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_brown.jpg
    icon-inv_horse3saddle003_chestnut.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_donkey.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_evil.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_palamino.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_pale.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_piebald.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_pinto.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_white.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle003_zebra.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_black.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_brown.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_chestnut.j
    icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_donkey.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_evil.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_palamino.j icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_pale.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_piebald.jp icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_pinto.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_white.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_base_zebra.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_black icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_brown icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_chest icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_donke
    icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_evil. icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_palam icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_pale. icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_pieba icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_pinto icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_white icon-inv_horse3saddle006_stormsong_zebra icon-inv_horse3saddle008_black.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_brown.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_chestnut.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_donkey.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_evil.jpg
    icon-inv_horse3saddle008_palamino.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_pale.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_piebald.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_pinto.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_white.jpg icon-inv_horse3saddle008_zebra.jpg icon-inv_larva2_bloodgod.jpg icon-inv_larva2_darkbrown.jpg icon-inv_larva2_darkpurple.jpg icon-inv_larva2_darkred.jpg icon-inv_larva2_gray.jpg icon-inv_larva2_green.jpg
    icon-inv_larva2_limegreen.jpg icon-inv_larva2_white.jpg icon-inv_larva2_yellow.jpg


    Achievement Changes
    Originally Posted by MMO-Champion
    Battle
    Pet Battles
    • Battle on Zandalar and Kul Tiras Complete 20 Pet Battle World Quests on Zandalar and Kul Tiras. 10 points. Account Wide. with a full team of level 25 pets. Reward: Laser Pointer. 10 points. Account Wide.

    Battle Dungeon
    Dungeons & Raids
    • Battle for Azeroth Keymaster (New) Complete the following Battle for Azeroth dungeons using a Mythic Keystone: 10 points.
    • How to Keep a Mummy Free Miimii the Mummy in Kings' Rest on Mythic difficulty. 10 points. Reward: Miimii. 10 points.
    • Losing My Profession Find and kill all of the enemies in Waycrest Manor and Siege of Boralus listed below on Mythic difficulty. 10 points.
    • Stand by Me Never let Dread Captain Lockwood use Bounding Retreat leap away while she has the evasive aura before defeating her in the Siege of Boralus on Mythic difficulty. 10 points.

    Battle for Azeroth
    Exploration

    Quests

    Reputation

    Character
    • Epic Equip an item of at least Epic quality, with a minimum item level of 315 340, in every slot. 10 points.
    • Superior Equip an item of at least Superior quality, with a minimum item level of 285 310, in every slot. 10 points.

    Collect
    Pet Battles
    • Battle Safari Catch every battle pet on Zandalar and Kul Tiras Pet Reward: Rescued Fawn. 5 points. Account Wide. Dreadtick Leecher. 5 points. Account Wide.

    Draenor Garrison
    Expansion Features

    Dungeons
    Feats of Strength

    Dungeons & Raids
    Guild

    Expansion Features
    Legacy
    • A Challenging Look Complete an artifact challenge quest line and unlock a new appearance for your artifact weapon. 10 points.
    • Artifact or Artifiction Reach Artifact Knowledge level 10 through the researchers in your Class Hall. 10 points.
    • Fighting with Style: Challenging Unlock all of your challenging artifact appearances. 10 points.
    • Part of History Learn everything there is to know about an artifact weapon through the researchers in your Class Hall. 10 points.
    • Power Ascended Unlock every Artifact Trait for a single artifact weapon after empowering it. 10 points.
    • Power Unbound Unlock a new set of traits for one of your Artifacts. 10 points.
    • Power Unleashed Unlock the new set of traits for all of your Artifacts. 10 points.

    Exploration
    • Universal Explorer Explore Eastern Kingdoms, Kalimdor, Outland, Northrend, the areas revealed by the Cataclysm, Pandaria, Draenor, and the Broken Isles the Broken Isles, Kul Tiras, and Zandalar. Title Reward: The Explorer. 50 points. Account Wide.

    Feats of Strength

    Legion Class Hall
    Expansion Features
    • Champions of Power Raise 8 Class Hall Champions to item level 850. 5 points. power level 850. 5 points.

    Legion Dungeon
    Dungeons & Raids
    • Legion Keymaster Name changed from "Broken Isles Keymaster" to "Legion Keymaster".

    Player vs. Player
    Legacy

    Reputation
    • Allied Races: Dark Iron Dwarf Complete the Dark Iron dwarf unlock quest line Earn the allegiance of the Dark Iron dwarves and welcome them into the Alliance. Reward: Dark Iron Dwarf Race Unlocked. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Allied Races: Highmountain Tauren Complete the Highmountain tauren unlock quest line Earn the allegiance of the Highmountain tauren and welcome them into the Horde. Reward: Highmountain Tauren Race Unlocked. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Allied Races: Lightforged Draenei Complete the Lightforged draenei unlock quest line Earn the allegiance of the Lightforged draenei and welcome them into the Alliance. Reward: Lightforged Draenei Race Unlocked. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Allied Races: Mag'har Orc Complete the Mag'har orc unlock quest line Earn the allegiance of the Mag'har orcs and welcome them into the Horde. Reward: Mag'har Orc Race Unlocked. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Allied Races: Nightborne Complete the nightborne unlock quest line. Reward: Nightborne Race Unlocked. Account Wide. Earn the allegiance of the Nightborne elves and welcome them into the Horde. Reward: Nightborne Race Unlocked. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Allied Races: Void Elf Complete the void elf unlock quest line Earn the allegiance of the void elves and welcome them into the Alliance. Reward: Void Elf Race Unlocked. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of Highmountain Earn level 110 on a newly created Highmountain Tauren character. Reward: Highmountain Tauren Heritage Armor. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of the Dark Iron (New) Earn level 110 on a newly created Dark Iron dwarf character. Reward: Dark Iron Dwarf Heritage Armor. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of the Lightforged Earn level 110 on a newly created Lightforged Draenei character. Reward: Lightforged Draenei Heritage Armor. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of the Mag'har (New) Earn level 110 on a newly created Mar'har Orc character. Reward: Mag'har Orc Heritage Armor. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of the Nightborne Earn level 110 on a newly created Nightborne character. Reward: Nightborne Heritage Armor. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.
    • Heritage of the Void Earn level 110 on a newly created Void Elf character. Reward: Void Elf Heritage Armor. Account Wide. 10 points. Account Wide.

    War Effort
    Expansion Features
    • Tour of War Name changed from "Tour of Duty" to "Tour of War".
    • Tour of War Name changed from "Tour of Duty" to "Tour of War".



    New Strings
    Originally Posted by MMO-Champion
    • AZERITE_CLICK_TO_SELECT (New) - Click to activate.
    • AZERITE_RESPEC_BUTTON (New) - Reforge
    • AZERITE_RESPEC_TITLE (New) - Azerite Reforger
    • BN_TOAST_NEW_CLUB_INVITATION (New) - You've been invited to|n%s
    • BRIGHTNESS_FORMAT (New) - %d
    • CHAR_FACTION_CHANGE_STILL_IN_COMMUNITY (New) - You may not change faction while still a member of a community.
    • CHAT_COMMUNITIES_CHANNEL_BN_GET (New) - %s:\32
    • CHAT_CONFIG_CHANNEL_SETTINGS_TITLE_WITH_DRAG_INSTRUCTIONS (New) - Channels |cff808080(Drag to Reorder)|r
    • COMMUNITIES_CREATE_DIALOG_SHORT_NAME_INSTRUCTIONS (New) - A shorter version of the group name
    • COMMUNITIES_CREATE_DIALOG_SHORT_NAME_INSTRUCTIONS_CHARACTER (New) - A shorter version of the community name
    • COMMUNITIES_CREATE_DIALOG_SHORT_NAME_INSTRUCTIONS_TOOLTIP (New) - This is used to keep the length of channel names shorter in chat windows.
    • COMMUNITIES_CREATE_DIALOG_SHORT_NAME_LABEL (New) - Short Name
    • COMMUNITIES_MEMBER_LIST_PENDING_INVITE_HEADER (New) - Pending Invites (%d)
    • COMMUNITIES_SETTINGS_SHORT_NAME_LABEL (New) - Short Name
    • COMMUNITY_MEMBER_CANCEL_INVITATION_TOOLTIP (New) - Click to cancel invitation
    • COMMUNITY_MEMBER_ROLE_NAME_INVITED (New) - Invited
    • CONFIRM_AZERITE_EMPOWERED_ITEM_RESPEC (New) - Are you sure you wish to reforge %s for the following amount?
    • CONFIRM_DESTROY_COMMUNITY_STREAM_LABEL (New) - Are you sure you want to delete the channel %s?
    • CONTRAST_FORMAT (New) - %d
    • CR_BLOCK_TOOLTIP - Block of %s reduces the damage you take by %d%%. Blocking adds %s armor against an attack, increasing Physical damage reduction to %d%%.\n|cff888888(Against an evenly matched enemy)|r
    • CR_VERSATILITY_TOOLTIP - Increases damage and healing done by %.2f%% and decreases damage taken by %.2f%%.\n\nVersatility %s [%.2f%%/%.2f%%]
    • CURRENTLY_SELECTED_AZERITE_POWERS - Selected Active Azerite Powers (%d/%d):
    • ERR_CLAIMED_PVP_REWARD (New) - You have already claimed your Conqueror's Spoils for the week.
    • ERR_NO_PVP_REWARD (New) - Earn Conquest points through Rated PvP and return next week to claim your reward.
    • ERROR_CLUB_MUST_BE_BNET_FRIEND (New) - Must be a Battle.net friend.
    • GAMMA_FORMAT (New) - %2.1f
    • GLOBAL_CHANNELS - Global Channels
    • INVITE_COMMUNITY_MEMBER_POPUP_INVITE_SUB_TEXT_BNET_FRIEND (New) - Enter a Battle.net friend
    • LOCK_CURSOR_TEXT (New) - Lock Cursor to Window
    • NO_LONGER_AVAILABLE (New) - No Longer Available
    • OPTION_CONTRAST (New) - Contrast
    • OPTION_TOOLTIP_BRIGHTNESS (New) - Controls the Brightness of the game.
    • OPTION_TOOLTIP_CONTRAST (New) - Controls the Contrast of the game.
    • OPTION_TOOLTIP_GAMMA - Controls the brightness of the game. Increase brightness until you can clearly see all 21 levels of gray bars below. Gamma of the game.
    • OPTION_TOOLTIP_LOCK_CURSOR (New) - Prevent the cursor from leaving the game window
    • OPTION_TOOLTIP_SHOW_HD_MODELS - Check this to show new higher definition character models.|n(64-bit OS recommended) use higher definition character models.
    • PARTY_POSE_DEFEAT (New) - Defeat
    • PARTY_POSE_VICTORY (New) - Victory
    • PVP_PRESTIGE_RANK_UP_NEXT_MAX_LEVEL_REWARD - Next Honor Level %d Reward Next Reward at Honor Level %d
    • RACE_INFO_DARKIRONDWARF - Known for their fiery tempers and fierce determination, Dark Iron dwarves have a turbulent history with the other clans. A failed coup in Ironforge ignited the War of the Three Hammers, and many of the Dark Iron once fought in the service of Ragnaros the Firelord. Though one faction of the dwarves is pledged to Queen-Regent Moira Thaurissan, others refuse to stand alongside their kin. The Alliance seeks a united Dark Iron clan to harness the power of Azerite and aid their struggle against the Horde.
    • RACE_INFO_DARKIRONDWARF_FEMALE - Known for their fiery tempers and fierce determination, Dark Iron dwarves have a turbulent history with the other clans. A failed coup in Ironforge ignited the War of the Three Hammers, and many of the Dark Iron once fought in the service of Ragnaros the Firelord. Though one faction of the dwarves is pledged to Queen-Regent Moira Thaurissan, others refuse to stand alongside their kin. The Alliance seeks a united Dark Iron clan to harness the power of Azerite and aid their struggle against the Horde.
    • RACE_INFO_MAGHARORC (New) - For untold generations, the orc clans of Draenor battled one another in endless war. But when Gul'dan offered them the blood of his demonic masters, the disparate tribes of Mag'har--the orcish word for "uncorrupted"--refused the dark bargain and banded together to drive out the Burning Legion.
    • RACE_INFO_MAGHARORC_FEMALE (New) - For untold generations, the orc clans of Draenor battled one another in endless war. But when Gul'dan offered them the blood of his demonic masters, the disparate tribes of Mag'har--the orcish word for "uncorrupted"--refused the dark bargain and banded together to drive out the Burning Legion.
    • REQUIRES_AZERITE_LEVEL_TOOLTIP (New) - Requires Heart of Azeroth level %d.
    • SELECT_AZERITE_POWER_TOOLTIP (New) - Click a power to activate it.
    • SHOW_HD_MODELS_TEXT - Show New Character Models Show HD Character Models
    • SLASH_PVP1 (New) - /pvp
    • SLASH_PVP2 (New) - /pvp
    • WARFRONTS_LEAVE (New) - Leave Warfront

    View the full article


    Around the Verse

    RSI
    By RSI,

    Sean Tracy and Steve Bender, together again for the first time, serve up a feature on legacy armor and a new installment of Loremaker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

    View the full article


    Funny To A Point – My Demented Adventures In House Flipper

    GameInformer
    By GameInformer,

    ftapflippertop.jpg

    If you're like me, you've probably watched a million home-improvement television shows over the years – and if you're REALLY like me, it's not because you wanted to. My wife is the one with the fetish for watching neurotic people fix up houses – I merely serve as a captive witness, because it beats using that time to do real-life improvements to our own home. As such, I'm depressingly familiar with all of the big shows: Clone Creeps, Lady and the Dork, Two F'ing Flops, These Guys Should Star In A Saw Movie Together, and Holmes On Homes, which is the only improvement show I respect because Mike Holmes is the BAMF of house repair.

    Anyway, as my obsession with Stardew Valley proved, my disdain for a real-life activity doesn't preclude me from mindlessly performing the same act in a video game for hours on end. That's why I was both excited and scared when I received a press release for House Flipper, a game about cleaning up and repairing homes for profit. Could this finally be a gateway into my wife's weird obsession with watching other people do housework? Could it reverse my bias against home improvement that Tim Allen instilled in me so many years ago? Would I leave the game with the knowledge necessary to transform our real-life home into our own personal palace? There was only one way to find out!

    Act I: From Humble Beginnings

    outside-house.jpg

    Despite what the name House Flipper led me to believe, I'm not actually able to dive right into flipping homes when I start the game. Instead, I'm told I have to get my business off the ground, which I'm apparently running out of a shack that I've claimed via squatter's rights. I know this because the front door is barricaded by a giant pile of trash – classic squatter tactics.

    pit.jpg

    My new home/office/room-sized toilet is a real pit, so I waste no time cleaning up the mess. Most of the cleaning is instantly performed by pressing a button when the game gives you a "dispose" prompt. Stains are cleaned by vaguely waving a mop – which looks suspiciously like a broom – in their general vicinity.

    mop.jpg

    Even I have enough real-world experience to know that's totally not how you mop, but it gets the job done, so whatever! After swabbing everything that looks dirty, I gain enough experience to upgrade my cleaning skills! This game is already better than real life!

    cleaning-upgrade.jpg

    As tempting as "see some dirt in minimap" is as far as skills go (this should be an option in ALL games that have minimaps), I go with "good mop" instead – only to find that my totally-a-broom mop has been replaced by a totally-a-push-broom mop. I try it out by cleaning my disgusting toilet.

    broom-toilet.jpg

    Yeah...that definitely isn't right. Regardless, I push ahead, throwing away all the old boxes and cans and tidying up as best I can. However, my attempts to create a respectable living space are stymied by a chainsaw (?!) that's sitting in the corner, which I can't get rid of. After trying to hide it in a few spaces I decide to embrace it instead and make it a focal point of the room.

    chainsaw.jpg

    That really pulls the room together...in a loner serial killer kind of way. I decide that the less time I spend in my creepy kill room the better – time to get working!

    Act II: Odd Jobs, Odd Behavior

    DIRTY-BED.jpg

    Actual house flipping remains elusive in my first few jobs. Instead, I play the role of a glorified housemaid, picking up other people's crap while silently judging how pathetic their lives are. One woman tasks me with cleaning up her house and replacing her radiator – which her boyfriend stole. Seriously, what kind of nutjob steals a radiator?! There was even a flat-screen television right next to it! Whoever this boyfriend was, he was obviously up to no good. She's better off without him.

    RADIATOR.jpg

    Replacing the stolen appliance is as easy as opening up my handy tablet and ordering a new one, then screwing it into place via a few simple prompts. I also unlock a new squeegee ability, and clean the woman's windows so that she can longingly stare out at her less pathetic neighbors when she gets home.

    squeegee.jpg

    After getting paid and returning to my chainsaw shack, an email alerts me to a new job. A housewife wants me to clean out her husband's garage, but says that I shouldn't touch his tools because he'll get upset if he can't find them. Despite sounding like the setup to a porno film, I take the job – anything to get me out of my own creepy house.

    Seeing as how the job is to clean the garage, I naturally storm in the front door and snoop around the entire house first. This family is way better off than sad radiator lady – they even have a fun children's room with pictures and toys!

    childrensroom.jpg

    I head back to the garage, which is full of empty cardboard boxes and tires. Why was this guy hoarding so many damn tires?

    TIRES.jpg

    After begrudgingly cleaning up all the husband's crap, I take all of his tools and stash them in the children's room, along with some of the tires I was supposed to get rid of – that'll teach you to hire some random dude off the Internet and give him total access to your house while you're not at home!

    tools.jpg

    As soon as I return home, I'm alerted to another new skill – I can take photos from my gallery and turn them into pictures that I can hang on the wall. I try it out on the photo I took in the children's room, and hang it above the chainsaw on the nightstand.

    souvenir1.jpg

    I then solemnly reflect on what I've done – I guess I'm now the kind of guy who breaks into people's homes, takes pictures in their children's bedrooms, then hangs them up in my own home as some kind of demented souvenir. What have I become?

    Act III: A Monster Emerges

    My next job comes from a soon-to-be father, begging me to not only clean his entire house, but also whip up a nursery, because he and his wife "have no spare time to clean and renovate the house." Sounds like they're going to be great parents! Maybe I can just raise their damn baby for them while I'm at it! I take the job anyway, but regret it as soon as I open the front door...

    dirthouse1.jpg

    This is way worse than I thought! These people aren't qualified to be parents! Can you preemptively call child protection services before a baby is even born? Either way, I figure it's my duty to chronicle their disgusting, child-endangering environment for the inevitable custody trial, so I once again tromp through the entire house taking pictures.

    livingroom.jpg

    Look at their damn living room! Who lives like this? Even the guy who steals radiators wouldn't step foot in here – as evidenced by the still-functional radiator on the back wall.

    nursery.jpg

    And finally, here's the nursery. I'm sure that black mold on the walls is going to be real good for developing baby lungs! Clearly, the best option would be to just burn the whole damn house down and collect the insurance money, but since that's not an option, I get to work.

    paint.jpg

    This job introduces a new painting mechanic, which requires you to first buy a bucket of paint, then dip your roller in it before you start laying down strips on the walls. It's not as fun as the free-form squeegee mechanic, but it is more efficient than my real-life, paint-wherever-the-roller-guides-you technique. Anyway, the couple chose pastel pink for the nursery walls, because not only are they slobs, they're also slaves to gender stereotypes. Way to go, monsters!

    nursery-furniture.jpg

    After finishing the paint job, I'm required to buy and install several pieces of furniture. These include a crib, a changing table, and two beanbag chairs, which I mash up against the radiator – I'll burn this place to the ground one way or another.

    Once the job is completed, I decided to spend some of my own money to put a final flourish on the room: A custom painting for the newborn baby.

    clown-baby.jpg

    There we go – the perfect nursery! Sweet dreams, baby!

    souvenir-2.jpg

    I take another picture in their room and hang it up when I get home, further cementing my in-game persona. There's no way this end well.

    Act IV: The Final Job

    Wary of where my life of not-actual house flipping is leading me, I decide to bet everything on one last job – and it's a doozy.

    EMAIL.jpg

    Apparently, Antony Grey has some kind of weird, Single White Female obsession with copying his neighbors, and wants me to both knock down his walls and paint whichever ones are left standing an ugly blue. He also seems to be under the impression that I am both cheap and professional – so obviously he hasn't talked to any of my former clients. Either way, I aim to please – especially when it involves a sledgehammer.

    sledge-1.jpg

    Antony has the nicest house of any of my employers so far – so naturally I waste no time in busting it up as much as I can. House Flipper uses physics to render the chunks of wall that you break down, though they disappear after a few seconds – finally, one thing I don't have to clean up myself!

    sledge-2.jpg

    Unfortunately, I get a little too sledge happy, and break down a wall straight into Antony's bathroom. He probably wanted to keep that one, huh? Oh well, can't stop now!

    sledge-3.jpg

    I'm sure a guy like Antony will be cool taking dumps in his new, extra-large kitchen, right? If not, I'll just tell him all his neighbors are doing it – that's sure to get him on board.

    sledge-done.jpg

    There, this is way more open! You can really feel the breeze flow through the entire house now! Antony's neighbors are going to be SO jealous. At first I was upset that I couldn't get rid of the floating doorways, but they've kind of grown on me.

    PRICE1.jpg

    Realizing that I was totally going to fail my job and probably be thrown in jail for destroying Antony's house, I decide to once again make the most of being left unsupervised in a stranger's home. A new tool in my inventory wheel lets me price and sell items! I'm guessing Antony isn't going to pay me for my handiwork, so the only thing left to do is sell all of his worldly possessions. It's shocking how quickly I too became a radiator thief – it really shows that you shouldn't judge people.

    PRICE2.jpg

    Unfortunately, the game wouldn't let me go through with my latest scheme. Dammit, House Flipper! How dare you impose your own moral code on my house-flipping fantasies! That said, while I may not be the kind of guy who would sell all of Antony's furniture...

    kitchen.jpg

    ...I am the kind of guy who would jam it all into his kitchen for no damn reason. Granted, there's not a lot of room to maneuver around the stove, but you could run a relay race through the rest of the house!

    paintd1.jpg

    Just when I thought I did Antony a solid, I realized I was still on the verge of failing the job – I didn't have enough walls left to paint in order to finish my second objective! The only solution? Build more superfluous brick walls to paint, sealing up sections of his house like "The Cask of Amontillado."

    PAINTD2.jpg

    Come into your new cellar, Antony, and taste a fine vintage! However, every wall I built decreased my first objective for breaking down walls, trapping me in a deranged catch-22. Obviously this calls for thinking outside the box...

    clowns.jpg

    There we go! Clowns make everything better! Somehow I managed to meet the bare minimum requirement to complete the project, which meant Antony was going to pay me after all. Suddenly I felt a pang of remorse for moving all his furniture into the kitchen like a jerk. I decided to once again spend my own money on another a custom installation: a giant, blood-red wall right inside his front door with more one-of-a-kind art.

    clowndoor.jpg

    It really makes a bold first impression, don't you think? Seeing as how the blood wall left me with almost an entire bucket of red paint, I decided to give Antony another bonus – I painted his whole damn house for him! If that's not the kind of low-cost and professional service he was looking for, I don't know what is.

    freakhouse2.jpg

    Just wait until the neighbors get a look at this! They'll be the ones copying Antony for a change! Or calling an emergency neighborhood meeting. One of the two.

    SOUVENIR-3.jpg

    I finally return home – despite getting paid, I think I still lost money on the job, thanks to all the pointless walls I had to build and the massive clown pictures I selflessly paid for. But you know what? Giving Antony his dream home was worth it, and I got another souvenir for above my nightstand. Some things in life truly are worth more than money.

    House Flipper is available now on Steam, and can presumably be played in a non-psychotic way. For more laughs, click the banner below to visit Funny To A Point's fancy-pants hub.

    col-ftap.jpg

    View the full article


    Nintendo Selling Cheaper, Dock-Free Switch In Japan

    GameInformer
    By GameInformer,

    nintendoswitchscreen_5F00_610.jpg

    If you're in need of a Switch but only as a handheld without the frivolities of a dock, HDMI cable, or, uh, a charging cable, then Nintendo has you covered in Japan.

    Advertised as a second Switch for existing owners, the dock-free version comes with the Switch unit, two neon Joycons, and two joycon straps. What this means is, if you bought the dock-less Switch, there would be no way out of the box to obviously dock it to a TV, but also no way to charge it. This in itself is not super rare, as Nintendo has released consoles and handhelds without AC cables before in Japan (and recently internationally).

    Nintendo seems keen in the Japanese page to point out that the Switch is meant for people who already own a unit, lest you think it subverts the company's marketing as a system that can be played on your TV or outside. The peripheral-lite version of the Switch will run you ¥24,980 or about $229. If you got this package and decided you wanted a dock, HDMI, and charging cable after, going from Nintendo of America store listings, it would be about $89.99 extra, not really saving you that much money to go piecemeal.

    For those interested and in Japan, though, a cheaper Switch is indeed an option. Just make sure you know for sure any charging cable you use is certified to work and not damage your Switch.

     

    Our Take
    With Smash Bros. coming this year and rumors of Pokemon on the way, I kind of wonder if this is Nintendo stripping out whatever they can to get the system cheaper to help make multiple Switches more attractive to families that, say, have multiple children.

    View the full article


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